I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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