My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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