We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
