This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
