Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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