that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
