Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
