worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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