You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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