the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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