I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
