he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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