He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
