Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
