Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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