I think im going to throw up on grandma
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
