At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
