My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Are we still banned from the library?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
