Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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