someone owes me an orgasm
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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