be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
