Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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