he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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