I want to have your abortion
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
