The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dick has a subreddit
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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