Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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