Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
