and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
