I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
