we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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