OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
