My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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