i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
