I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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