so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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