If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
