I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
