hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
