My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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