you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
