note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
