Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
