Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
