she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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