Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
