she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
