I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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