you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
