Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
