we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
