Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
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I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
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wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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