dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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