Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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