i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
