getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
