On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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