What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
