Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You've changed since you got that strap on
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
