Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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